How do you greet friends at the Preakness?
- Lovely to see you.
What horse will win this year's Preakness?
- I have no doubt my psychic, shaman and the penny I found on the floor today have pointed me in the right direction.
- Are you implying it won't be me? I'm insulted.
- lol who cares
- I think my friend Harry, who summers in the Hamptons, has a few in the race. One of those, perhaps?
How much will you bet on horses?
- It's crass to talk about money.
- I can't waste anything on betting. There's booze to buy.
- You can't put a price on this.
- Do you think my entire savings and 401K is enough?
What will you be wearing?
- Horseshoes, blinkers and not much else.
- I'm still deciding if white gloves are too gauche, but my fascinator will certainly make an appearance.
- A visor and sunglasses. I like to keep a poker face.
- Neon tank, skimpy shorts, an ironic hat, and maybe some party beads if I'm feeling festive.
What's the best cocktail to sip at Preakness?
- "Sip" a "cocktail"? Hah, that's cute. I'll shotgun a Boh or two, or 14, please.
- I'll be clutching a Jack and Coke to calm my nerves.
- I stick to water.
- I'll enjoy an honorary Black-Eyed Susan, and then opt for a few Hendricks and tonics (with cucumber, of course).
What's the worst part about Preakness?
- The throngs of inebriated classless youths. And the mud.
- It's the hardest work day of the year.
- The inevitable blackout. See also: the best part about Preakness.
- There was that year I lost everything and had to survive on Ramen for a few months. But I know this time will be different.
What are you most looking forward to eating at Preakness?
- I'll be too nervous to eat.
- Some crudites and light hors d'oeuvres would be delightful.
- Carrots and a sugar cube, if I'm lucky.
- I might have to resort to a slice of pizza if things get desperate, but I'm hoping to keep the diet as liquid as possible.
Whose musical performance are you most looking forward to?
- The odds are 100-1 that I don't care.
- Armin van Buuren, obviously. I've seen him a few times at Electric Zoo.
- Is Band of Horses playing this year?
- The acts are always ghastly. I'll decompress with some Chopin at home.
What will you be thinking as the horses come down the home stretch?
- Am I finger-clapping lightly enough?
- I think I can, I think I can.
- I hope a doctor is nearby, because my odds of cardiac arrest are going up dramatically.
- If I'm not passed out in a porta-potty by that point, I've done something wrong.
How will you celebrate after the race is over?
- A trip to the casino.
- A standing nap.
- A chilled flute of Dom Perignon.
- Puke and rally. Off to the bars.