What horse will win this year's Preakness?
  • One of my former private school roommates I think owns a few of the hopefuls. I'll go with one of those.
  • Depends on who I'm riding.
  • There's a horse race?
  • I have inside information that the Kentucky Derby winner will win by 3 1/4 lengths
What will you be drinking?
  • It's Miller time.
  • I'll be clutching the same watery Jack and Coke for several hours.
  • Water before the race, champagne after.
  • Black-Eyed Susans are all the rage at Preakness, but after one or two, I prefer Bombay and tonics, with two limes.
Do you still miss Kegasus?
  • As much as I love paying bills.
  • Centaurs are an abomination. His shirtlessness made me uncomfortable.
  • I've always preferred my horses with actual horse heads.
  • I'll pour one out of my fallen homie before I get there.
What band are you coming to see?
  • It'll be a little hard to hear when I'm going 40 miles per hour.
  • Lorde is cool — for a goth chick or whatever.
  • Three-to-one odds Switchfoot lip-syncs some portion of its set.
  • Have you heard the bugler between races? So traditional.
How will you get there?
  • 1979 Gremlin.
  • Taxi from Fed Hill.
  • Our driver.
  • Atop my steed.
Will this be your first Preakness?
  • My husband Wilfred and I have attended every Preakness for the past 10 years, though we rarely stay for, you know, the race.
  • Bro, I was in the running of the urinals back in the day. Don't talk to me about Preakness.
  • (Nervous laugh)
  • Nah, I've ridden in a few over the years.
Where will you party after this?
  • The stables.
  • Drowning my sorrows at the grandstand bar.
  • We're retiring to the country house to freshen up, and then we have reservations at Cinghiale but, ugh, city traffic.
  • Taxi back to Fed Hill.
Celebrity you most want to see at Preakness?
  • Whoever wins the race.
  • I've always admired Stephanie Rawlings-Blake's impeccable hairstyles.
  • Whoever wins the bikini contest. That counts as a celebrity, right?
  • The horse that played Seabiscuit in "Seabiscuit." I like saying Seabiscuit as many times as possible in a day.
Where did the name Preakness come from?
  • What? Sorry, I was distracted by that woman's cheap hat.
  • The odds of me knowing that are 100-1.
  • It was the name of the first horse who won the race. Come on.
  • A better question is where the slogan "Get Your Preak On" come from? That was genius.
To you, a Black-Eyed Susan is…
  • Too much money.
  • Tradition.
  • That's what we call clumsy drunk sorority girls who run into the bar door.
  • Something that's meant to be sipped demurely.
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