How do you greet friends at the Preakness?
  • Sup.
  • Lovely to see you.
  • Hi.
  • Hayyyy.
What horse will win this year's Preakness?
  • I have no doubt my psychic, shaman and the penny I found on the floor today have pointed me in the right direction.
  • Are you implying it won't be me? I'm insulted.
  • lol who cares
  • I think my friend Harry, who summers in the Hamptons, has a few in the race. One of those, perhaps?
How much will you bet on horses?
  • It's crass to talk about money.
  • I can't waste anything on betting. There's booze to buy.
  • You can't put a price on this.
  • Do you think my entire savings and 401K is enough?
What will you be wearing?
  • Horseshoes, blinkers and not much else.
  • I'm still deciding if white gloves are too gauche, but my fascinator will certainly make an appearance.
  • A visor and sunglasses. I like to keep a poker face.
  • Neon tank, skimpy shorts, an ironic hat, and maybe some party beads if I'm feeling festive.
What's the best cocktail to sip at Preakness?
  • "Sip" a "cocktail"? Hah, that's cute. I'll shotgun a Boh or two, or 14, please.
  • I'll be clutching a Jack and Coke to calm my nerves.
  • I stick to water.
  • I'll enjoy an honorary Black-Eyed Susan, and then opt for a few Hendricks and tonics (with cucumber, of course).
What's the worst part about Preakness?
  • The throngs of inebriated classless youths. And the mud.
  • It's the hardest work day of the year.
  • The inevitable blackout. See also: the best part about Preakness.
  • There was that year I lost everything and had to survive on Ramen for a few months. But I know this time will be different.
What are you most looking forward to eating at Preakness?
  • I'll be too nervous to eat.
  • Some crudites and light hors d'oeuvres would be delightful.
  • Carrots and a sugar cube, if I'm lucky.
  • I might have to resort to a slice of pizza if things get desperate, but I'm hoping to keep the diet as liquid as possible.
Whose musical performance are you most looking forward to?
  • The odds are 100-1 that I don't care.
  • Armin van Buuren, obviously. I've seen him a few times at Electric Zoo.
  • Is Band of Horses playing this year?
  • The acts are always ghastly. I'll decompress with some Chopin at home.
What will you be thinking as the horses come down the home stretch?
  • Am I finger-clapping lightly enough?
  • I think I can, I think I can.
  • I hope a doctor is nearby, because my odds of cardiac arrest are going up dramatically.
  • If I'm not passed out in a porta-potty by that point, I've done something wrong.
How will you celebrate after the race is over?
  • A trip to the casino.
  • A standing nap.
  • A chilled flute of Dom Perignon.
  • Puke and rally. Off to the bars.
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